I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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