Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
it glows. i had to have it.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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