im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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