Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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