the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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