his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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