Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
it was like eating out sand paper
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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