So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
