apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
