Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize