if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
