Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
