you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
