You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
