I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
