I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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