He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
