I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The convent might be a nice break from real life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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