i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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