dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
