i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
