i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
