so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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