I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish I only lived at night.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
