I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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