So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize