the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The convent might be a nice break from real life
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
