My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
