Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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