How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
