Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
