I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just forgot I was standing up.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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