watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
