Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
two words: eviction party
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
