you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
