i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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