i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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