I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my being single is dangerous.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
