you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
