I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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