he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
