I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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