She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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