We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You took a bar mat shot.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
