And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
