his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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