My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
