If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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