My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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