I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
