he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Houston, we have a squirter
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
