marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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