got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
