it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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