please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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