The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
